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Movie reviews and reports. Whenever I finally see them.

A Real Cinderella? Bibbidi-Bobbidi-BooHoo...

Minivan Dad

So yesterday I wrote about Kings. Today, I feel compelled to write about a Princess.

I hear there is going to be a live action version of my favorite Disney Princess movie, Cinderella. This is just... wrong. Sure, there have been other versions of Cinderella that have come along. Ella Enchanted, for example, which rocks. But they weren't exactly Cinderella. This one will be. And it will probably be amazing. I'm sure that it will follow all the latest guidelines of revisionist fairy tales, and be empowering of young women. With three daughters, I'm all for that. The acting will probably be awesome. It will make tons of money. It will, however, ruin Cinderella for me forever. 

Here's the problem. I've always had a thing for Cinderella. Yes, this one. And by thing, yes, I mean a thing. It's okay, my wife and kids know. 

There's something about the animated Cinderella. It's not just that she's drawn pretty. I'm not that shallow. She's just so... graceful. Under duress, in triumph. The father in me hopes that if anything so terrible were to happen to my own daughters, they would be able to stay as optimistic and resourceful as Cinderella, and have the same happily-ever-after ending. But really the part that cracks up my kids is the thing. It's an endless source of amusement, actually, because at some level they know the truth and they think it's hilarious that their father has a legit crush on Cinderella.

But... now that's all gone. Oh, I'll still be able to watch the original version and the greatest climactic scene in the history of animation, possibly in the history of movies. It won't be the same. It already isn't. See, the thing is okay when Cinderella is an animated 2-dimensional ageless screen character. When Cinderella is portrayed by an actual living young British actress named Lily James, the thing will just be weird. Kids won't know about the animated one. They'll hear I have a crush on Cinderella and just think it's creepy. So it has to go. And while Helena Bonham Carter will likely be a terrific Fairy Godmother, Cate Blanchett is on board to play Lady Tremaine, Cinderella's evil stepmother. Cate Blanchett! As an evil, manipulative icy bitch!? Jeez, someone my age could actually end up with a thing for her instead. See? Ugh!

I've already forced myself to start adjusting, so I'll be ready for this new chapter of my life. I just hope it's a rousing success and it wins Academy Awards and makes hundreds of million dollars. I really do. I hope it inspires and enthralls millions of empowered little girls and tweens everywhere, and they can share that with their mothers and their fathers, and watch it on their 3-D TVs and their holographic projection smartwatches. I hope some day I'll be lucky enough to watch it with my own granddaughters, who will find my version boring and ancient and won't understand why I used to love it so much. Maybe then, my loss will have some meaning.

Until then, I don't think I can talk about it.